The Return of the Lion | Follow Me

I haven't cried this hard in a very, very long time.

My heart is broken and my soul is torn. My body feels weak and my stomach feels faint.

I don't know how to write to you all, who I love and miss so dearly. I don't know how to accurately describe the emotions and spiritual suffering I am experiencing now and I am certain I will feel much longer.

I never know where to begin when I write to all of you beautiful people, I wish I could only be with you all, share coffee with you all [for I am certain I will have hundreds of coffee dates with you beautiful North Carolinians this winter, please drink irrationally stupid amounts of caffeine with me], cry in your presence, share my stories but also just to be with you. You are all so beautiful and your support and intercessions are what have brought me here, and for that, I praise the Lord and thank Him for you. I have no way to fully express my gratitude.

I leave India in two weeks. Last night, as the (beautiful, amazing) short term team left, several children and even some of the high school age boys were weeping, scared I was leaving that night as well. I had to reaffirm that, no, I am leaving in two weeks; you are not getting rid of me just yet. Mommy Brooke is still here. She will be gone, but she will not be gone for too long. Please don't grow up too much, my 71 children.

I started this morning with breakfast in Uncle James' 15x15 house, eating his birthday cake with him, his wife and his beautiful baby daughters, laughing and listening to little Sneha chatter away about how she did not get enough frosting, “why did mom not give me the big frosting flower, that's the best part?” and Glory repeating nursery rhymes.

I said nothing about last night and how I cried when the children came to me, sad and worried, but James, knowing me much too well, said with a smile, “It is going to be okay. We are Christians and that means that we will always be together. We are family, you are our family, and we will before the throne of God together, praising Him. I know we will not be apart for too long.”

I went back to my house and poured myself some coffee, my mind became a whirlwind of thoughts. The thoughts included a plethora of worries and fears, such as

How can I leave my two new girls (names not given for privacy) who have recently become close to me after their mother abused them to the point that their youngest sister died from the beatings? The youngest of these two girls has turned to tobacco and self-harm to self medicate and almost self-punish herself...she is such a beautiful child, I don't want her to hurt herself. She is so in need of a mother who loves her.

How can I leave my students, who are so silly, creative and incredibly intelligent? What if my one student truly has Autism, which I would not doubt in the least, and other teachers just don't understand him? He is so smart and capable, he just has a hard time connecting. Will any other teacher understand when he cannot look them in the eyes because he just cannot connect well?

How can I leave my Humshakals (a playful nickname I have for two boys here, Rabi and Bikash, who I regard as my brothers, I love them very much), who can always make me laugh and have the happiest smiles in the world?

How can I leave Hosanna and Khushi, who are my little sister and brother now, who I can talk with about anything, laugh and play guitar with and goof off with and talk about life with and who I love?

How can I leave Sarathi, my beautiful little sister Sarathi, her quiet, gentle spirit and warm smile?

How can I leave Sarita, I am her Rasgula and she is my Gulab Jamun, she is my sister and I want to be there for her.

How can I leave the littlest girls, who call me their mommy? They lie in my lap and fall asleep, holding my hands, saying, “I have no mommy, you are my mommy now”

Names and faces flood my mind, and as it floods, I feel as if I am drowning... and I have to realize, I must go home. I see the goals God has laid out for me and I can be more of a blessing when I finish my degree than if I stayed.

It seems so logical, so sensible, so rational to stay. But I know I need to go home, for I will become so much more of a blessing to my beautiful Indian family if I have a medical degree. I know this is what I need to do. God has made it obvious, so painfully obvious, and I cannot tell Him no.

In the book, “Prince Caspian” by C.S. Lewis, there is a chapter called “The Return of the Lion”. Back story to what happens in this chapter is that Lucy sees Aslan, tells the others, and the others do not see him, and, despite Lucy's insisting that they follow, she gives up and follows the others instead.

This causes the entire group to go in the completely wrong direction, and, as the book describes it, it is “Heart-breaking work—all uphill again, back over the ground they had already traveled.”

If we fast-forward a bit into the chapter, we see that the entire group finds a place to sleep and Lucy hears someone calling her name. It is Aslan. She runs up to him and embraces him. I will put an excerpt below:

“Lucy,” he said, “we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost to-day.”

“Yes, wasn't it a shame?” said Lucy. “I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so----”

From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.

“I'm sorry,” said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. “I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault anyway, was it?”

The Lion looked straight into her eyes.

“Oh, Aslan,” said Lucy. “You don't mean it was? How could I—I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that... Oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?”

Aslan said nothing.

“You mean,” said Lucy rather faintly, “that it would have turned out all right—Somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?”

“To know what would have happened, child?” said Aslan. “No. Nobody is ever told that.”

“Oh dear,” said Lucy.

“But anyone can find out what will happen,” said Aslan. “If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me—what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.”

I don't understand. I don't. I don't know what would have happened if I stayed...but there is one thing I know for sure: I must follow him. I must follow wherever he calls me, even if that is hard, others do not understand, it doesn't seem rational or logical or sensible and the only thing I know is he is calling my name and I cannot ignore it.

2 Corinthians 5:6-9 says

"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him."

The words for "home" and "away", in the original Greek text, are "endemeo" and "ekdemeo". 

The word "endemeo" means "to be among one's own people, dwell in one's own country, stay at home"

The word "ekdemeo" means "to go abroad; emigrate, depart; to be or live abroad; to abode with whom is promised us"

Whether I am at home or away, here or there, in the body or with the Lord, I know of one thing for sure: I must follow. I must please Him. I must go--wherever He wants.

I love you all. Mu tumako primo corre [Oriya for "I love you"]