for lack of a better title

Nothing depresses me more than the thought of being away from all these kids...the reality that I need to go to college depresses me more than I can say. I am fairly positive that God wants me to study nursing and Hindi...and then I can come back to Orissa as the nurse and continue teaching science. But--that still requires me to be in America for a few years. Away from these kids. It breaks my heart into a million pieces and I will be very depressed when I return. Many of the little ones have ceased to call me sister (a very common name for a girl or unmarried woman in india) and have instead called me "mom". One of the little girls came up to me, sat on my lap, told me she "I do not have a mommy. You are my mom" and promptly kissed me on the nose. Leaving these children will hurt me.

When I return, it will be freezing (to me--as I have been in hot weather for months and months) and Christmas time. I want to be real with you all in saying that the most depressing month of the year for me is Christmastime. I hate Christmastime. Allow me to explain...

I have always associated Christmastime with fear, anger and hurt. Many things that have seemed to 'go wrong' always ended up happening in the winter time. Not only that, but the materialism and commercialism of Christmas has always hurt my heart. There is also a sense of 'goodwill' and constant, elevated 'Christmas Joy' that I, with depression and anxiety, can never maintain. Why is this 'goodwill' and 'giving' attitude so high in America only during this season? Yearly it hurts my heart to watch. In addition, cold weather always makes me depressed. When India will have painfully hot, sweaty, dusty day, I won't lie--it is a little miserable--but it is nothing compared to how much I hate the cold, hate snow, hate the gray, colorless winter. I suppose this is because I was born in New York and I have grown tired of the snow lingering around like a guest that doesn't get the hint that I'm tired and they should go home now. I just...I hate winter.

I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I keep having vivid flashbacks to North Carolina-- almost out of body--when I close my eyes to sleep, I see Holly Springs, Apex, Raleigh, Cary, my office, my house, my car, my best friend's house, even concert venues and my cat...in such great, vivid detail, almost as if I am there. It really freaks me out, I know that it is normal for a person changing cultures and I have read about how this can happen to missionaries, but I still hate it. It is a little freaky and it makes it very hard to sleep...I ask that, when you get the chance, please pray that I can sleep at night.

I will be a mess when I get home. I want to prepare you all for the mess that I will be in a few weeks. India is my home. India is where I plan on spending the rest of my life--surrounded by little children that have never had a mommy, fixing wounds, teaching students so hungry for a teacher that understands them and won't hit them, teaching children so desperate for as much knowledge as possible...

India is home, but I must come to my country for a few years. Please understand the hurt I am feeling and please realize I will be, as my dad says, 'a hurtin' cowboy' when I get back. (I don't know where my dad got this phrase, but t cracks me up even thinking of him saying it)

I love you guys. See you soon.

Brain/Heart

I want to be real with you all. I am pretty depressed.
But...Jonah-Depressed.
Allow me to explain.

Within the first three verses of the book of Jonah, God tells Jonah to go to a land that Jonah cannot stand and Jonah tells God no. He then, on his own strength and power, goes in the opposite direction that God wanted. Then, a few verses later, a large fish (commonly referred to as "whale") gets involved and it is super awkward for everybody. Jonah gets to Ninevah, the place God wanted him to be, and Jonah then gets depressed that he doesn't get to see the city blow up and gets so childishly angry when a plant dies, etc.

I am Jonah. I am impatient. I get upset over stupid, small, trivial things. I get upset when God says "Go".

Where is God telling me to go?
America.

What.

I am fairly certain that it is God's will for me to stay in America longer, start college courses, learn Hindi and further prepare myself for a life of ministry in India, but that involves living in America, which is out of my comfort zone. Yeah, America is out of my comfort zone. I feel at home in India, I feel like I belong here, and the idea of staying in America any longer makes me stupidly, irrationally upset.

Upon hearing that Jonah must go to Ninevah, Jonah feels upset, and I am sure he thought, "No, God! No! I've been avoiding Ninevah my entire life!!"
Upon hearing God, several times, speak to me about His plans, I keep thinking, "No, God! No! I've been avoiding Wake Tech my entire life!!"

Hahaha. Yeeeeeeah.

But...here's the thing. This is God's desire. If it is, indeed, His desire, I will go. I will go without shaking my fists. I will suppress my irrational anger and depression. I need to go where he takes me.

Sorry this post was short, but I really needed to get this out of my brain/heart. Love you guys.

My little brothers have a new room!

My little brothers have a new room!

This is not a phrase you would normally say with happy tears in your eyes, great joy in your heart and a big, stupid smile on your face--but that is exactly how I am saying it right now.

For the last few months, my little brothers, my Indian little brothers, have been in a tight, overcrowded, hardly ventilated bedroom. They have not had their own beds but have been sharing several shoved-together bunk beds. Their room was so poorly ventilated that it could reach temperatures of 110F at night...some nights they would sleep on the hot concrete outside instead.

But, several amazing friends from GHI supported the need to give my brothers a new room!! 

Let me tell you about this awesome new room:

1) They have their own bunks. Several little boys and several teenage boys are not sharing a continuous, over-crowded line of bunk beds...they have their own mattresses! 

2) Fans! They have fans! No more nights spent outside to cool down.

3) Windows and ventilation! The old room was very claustrophobic and stuffy. Now these guys will get clean air, not recycled, hot stuffy air.

4) Storage space!! There is storage space for all the boys' things, clothes and birthday presents :-)

5) Space. There is enough space to move around, chill out, study, play games.

6) Drinking water! The boys would often need to take a small trek across the compound to get to drinking water if they became thirsty at night. Now they can simply get out of bed, drink some water, go to sleep. 

Here are some photos!!

I love it when a plan comes together.

"I love it when a plan comes together" -Hannibal, The A-Team

Buuuuuuuut that's rarely how life works. 

My schedule looks like this is supposed to look like this:

8:00- Breakfast
9:00- Bible Time
10:40- Fifth Grade Science
11:20- Study Hindi
12:15- Fifth Grade English
1:00- Lunch
2:00- Study Hindi
3:00- Hindi Lessons
4:30- Karate (I can explain...this may become a blog post of it's own soon. Maybe.)
6:00- Computer lab
7:00- Prayer
8:00- Dinner

9:00- Study Hindi

Instead, it normally looks like this:

8:00- 
Sleep through breakfast because I stayed up until 2am grading papers, grading exams, setting up lesson plans...At home, i was a morning person. Here, I am always overworking into the night. It's not totally healthy, but that's how it is. Besides, I have coffee now, so...Staying up late isn't too bad...Right? Right??...
9:00- 
Bible time...albeit quick since I may have slept through breakfast and one of the little children may need cuddles and kisses on the head... anyways, I need as much as the spirit as possible before I stand in front of an army of 25 screaming, yelling, goofy, wonderful fifth graders.
10:40- 
Fifth grade science. Possibly my favorite part of the day, to be honest. I had no idea that I had such a passion for teaching, being goofy and real with these crazy, silly, creative kids. I could never imagine having an entire class that is amazing at art, talented in singing and dancing, love to read, love to learn and are all, amazingly, right-brained and visual learners like myself. 
  I often had many problems with my grades due to the fact that I am right-brained and have ADHD along with its accompanying learning problems. In Indian schools, right-brained kids may be extremely misunderstood since the majority of Indian schooling is repeating/memorizing facts, never asking questions, never answering questions for fear of being slapped, or, God forbid, you voice your own opinion or even think for yourself. I hate to say that, but it is true. School here is mostly parroting facts and strict, yelling, slapping teachers. Granted, not all the teachers are this way, but I realize how much the kids learn more when you respect them as if they were not lower than you are, treat them as you would treat your peers but let them be kids, let them be creative and unique. 
  I will quote Katie Davis on this (author of "Kisses from Katie"...check our her website: http://katiedavis.amazima.org/), that "I cannot change [the country], but educated children could." 

  I realize the huge need for the Holy Spirit in Indian schools. In schools that are in tight, hardly-ventilated, claustrophobic, sweaty classrooms, they need Christ. In my teaching, I often can make certain points such as the fact that, no matter who a person is, no matter their "caste", people need to be loved. In a country where the caste system is still, unfortunately, used and sometimes even prevents children from education, prevents some children from school lunches, children need to know that God doesn't separate people into castes. God doesn't see women as less valuable than men. God doesn't hate people with AIDS or Leprosy. Through teaching science, I can teach about how beautiful creation is and how humans, God's masterpieces, need to be respected and loved and cared for. Every single person is important. Through teaching, I am showing them that, not only are they important, but selflessness is to be admired. Progress can only happen when people see the need to care for each other. "Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28). I know that this went down a bit of a rabbit trail...but...I feel like it was important.

11:20- 
Study Hindi. I am really working my hardest to learn Hindi as soon as possible. It has been so much harder than I ever imagined. I ask that you pray for me as this is very difficult and stressful.
12:15- 
Fifth Grade English. I still need to come up with more lesson plans, but, for most of their studies...I will be printing out comic book excerpts. Mostly because it's fun. Yeah.
1:00- 
LUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!! Man, there are no words to explain how much I love eating Indian food every day. YES. It is the best.
2:00- 
Study Hindi. Study, study, study! 
3:00- 
Hindi Lessons. My teacher is 15 and infinitely more mature and more intelligent than I am. His name is Khushi (Pronounced as "Coo-See", it is Hindi for "happy") and he has become like a little brother to me. He selflessly teaches me Hindi as much as possible and dishes out some pretty challenging homework (seriously though...). He takes so much time out for teaching me, I am so thankful. In return, I asked him if he'd like to learn how to play guitar. Of course, he said yes. Within the first lesson that I gave him this week, I introduced him to music theory and he can play the G, C, E and F chords. He's only been playing for two days. What even. What. Even. He is so smart. I almost envy the reality that my little brother is talented in everything and super smart. What even. Yeah. 
4:30- 
During this time, I am either teaching guitar to Khushi or the entire compound is taking karate classes. This is a recent addition to the schedule and has proven to not only build muscles I didn't know I had, but also I can't move today, so...yeeeeah. Taking a break from karate today.
6:00- 
Computer lab. I am teaching all of the kids at the hostel/orphanage how to use computers. Most of them have never used computers before and this is really exciting for them. Often, with the little girls, after their lessons, I am told "thank you" over and over and covered in kisses and hugs. It is a daily reminder of my need to be here.
7:00- 
Prayer. Every single day, the kids will worship and pray to the Lord together. I have never been to a worship service so beautiful... so many languages (Oriya, English, Hindi, sometimes Telugu or Tamil), so many beautiful, happy tears, hands raised, children falling to their knees and hearing my 71 little sisters and little brothers praying all at once, New-Testament-style, shouts of worship and praise for the Lamb of God. In many cases, this daily act of selfless, genuine worship could confuse or even disgust American Christians. This saddens me. How can you not fall to your knees, coated in tears, hands raised to the God who was murdered for you? No God is like our God. There is no rock like our God. I treasure the time I spend worshiping with my 71 brothers and sisters. 
8:00- 
DINNERRRRR!!!/Watch Indian soap operas with my two host sisters and my host mom. I love my two sisters, Christy and Justy! Christina, 10, and Justina, 8, are young but act older and have become some of the best friends I have ever had. They are goofy, silly and I can be myself with them. I love them as if they were my own little sisters and love the reality that, despite their age, I can be real with them and have deeper conversations with them. My host mom, Suphala, is amazing. She has become my second mom and is one of the most beautiful people I know. I truly value the time that my "little sisters" and my "mom" spend during dinner because they are so special to me. I love them so much and we have so much fun by simply watching TV together. 

9:00- 
Study Hindi AGAIN. I have never been so faithful to studying before. It is God helping me through this...because I am easily distracted. Hahaha. This time may go until midnight or later because I will be distracted I will be working soooo harddddd. Mostly.

This is how the average weekday works out for me. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the fact that my daily task is to out-love everyone around me and make people happy. Granted, most of the schedule may be beautifully interrupted by needing to spend time one-on-one with one of the teenagers because they need someone to talk to, one of the little ones may need a boo-boo bandaged and kissed, someone may need help with something, someone may be crying due to having a bad day and just need someone to bring them cookies and a hug. 

There is never a second I am doing nothing or sitting still-- and I love it!!