Let's talk about getting sick in India/Stuff I didn't tell you all in July

Okay, so, there were a few events that happened in July that I never wrote about, mostly because I was advised not to, as it may be scary or confusing for you all back home...but I'm gonna risk it and be real with you guys.

Please keep in mind this entire post has been put off for a long time. I hope you are not offended, scared or hurt in any way, shape or form by this post. I don't think you will be, so please keep in mind that this post is not, in any way, supposed to be the most spiritual post of all time. I am a failure, I am a sinner saved by grace, I have had doubts and even anger before God. I am not perfect, and this entire post is going to be about stuff I never told you guys about in July. So, please. do not think highly of me and please recognize which portions of this post are sarcastic and in jest, as I enjoy being as silly and real as the next Christian.

Also, I want to apologize in advance that this post is going to have a lot of Zach Braff gifs, so, yeah, let's begin. Here's the truth.

Let's start with the email I sent to close friends at the end of July:

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To: Close friends only so I will not scare my supporters back home

Subject: The email about the when I was sick in India and/or how I survived the zombie shed

So sorry I have not written to you all in quite some time, I have been very busy and actually was admitted to the village hospital last week....let me explain.

I am not sure what I was sick with, but I have never been in so much pain in my life. i woke up in extreme pain and, after driving to and banging on the doors of two hospitals where there were no doctors present, I was admitted to possibly the scariest hospital in existence, which looked not unlike the very first scene of The Walking Dead, minus the whole zombie thing. There was mold damage thick on the walls and thus the room I slept in perpetually smelled of mushrooms. The bathroom of my hospital room had someone else's blood on the walls and broken light bulbs on the floor. I received 4 IVs, two injections, several pills and had my blood drawn. Despite how sketchy, unsanitary and terrifying the hospital was, I got good sleep and was too sick to care that I was in a post-apocalyptic zombie shed. Plus; I ended up feeling better after a while and the total hospital bill came to about US $2. Solid, right?

Anyways, word got out that a white woman was in the hospital and the next morning I woke up to see five or six strange men in my room along with every doctor in the hospital, staring at my paleness. One doctor was taking my blood and everyone else was just...staring. So, I just kinda said...

"hey guys! Why are you watching me get my blood vampired out by this doctor?" 

*muffled discussion* 

"so who are you guys? Why are you in my room hahaaha" 

*muffled discussion in Hindi, Oriya and English* 

*my blood starts being drawn* 

"OH HYYYYEEEEECK. That does not feel good! (Singing) WHAT CAN WASH AWAY MY SIIIIN, nothing but the blood of JEEEEESUS" 

*blinking* 

"well, it was nice meeting you all! Try not to catch whatever I have, YOU WILL END UP AS PALE AS ME HAHAHAHA" 

*muffled discussion, everyone leaves room* 

"Byeeeee friends"

So. Life has been nothing but weird and full of adventures and never boring, and I love it. I almost think this is what I am supposed to do with my life...play with kids, teach, help the helpless... especially work with kids. I have a huge place in my heart to care for these kids and I honestly can't see myself doing anything else. It is, however, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally exhausting....but at the end of the day, it is totally worth it.

I will be back home in November (if you haven't checked twitter, facebook or my blog, know that I have decided to stay an extra three months!), I can't afford to go right back in December...but I definitely plan on going back. Soon, some day. I am not sure how it will work out, but God has always provided and I pray it will all be clear in November what I should do. I don't doubt that my future could be taking care of kids in India, I am just not sure how it will get to that point...I should just apply for citizenship...maybe....

Although English is spoken here, not everyone is fluent and I think it would be foolish to not speak the national language, Hindi, if I were to stay. To be honest, that's my biggest goal as of now--Learn to speak Hindi fluently. Granted, I am having a very hard time even trying to memorize the alphabet in Hindi...it's going to take a very long time, but that's my first priority in figuring out the whole of what I should really do with my life.

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So, July was terrifying. I am not sure what I was sick with (I did, however, in addition to taking as much pain medication as possible for what felt like thousands of swords stabbing my whole body... also have to take medicine to rid of ulcers, which was not fun at all) and I realized how much there is a need for good doctors for the surrounding village areas in Kesinga...Which made me decide to take nursing courses next Fall (we'll get to that at the end of this post, with more Zach Braff gifs)...But anyways, it was extremely difficult for me spiritually. 

Let me explain.

I spent a lot of time away from teaching in school, I was in bed, in pain and confused in a country that I had only known for one month of my life. I stared at the ceiling, questioning my decision to come to India, questioning why I left my job for this, why I left my family for this, why I left my friends for this, why I decided to live in a country where I still did not understand the customs, language and the culture. I couldn't sleep at night because I had either slept all day or I was crying, asking God why I had gotten sick, asking Him why He took me away from my home and everyone I loved to live in a country that I did not understand yet. I had a lot of doubts, a lot of fears and had no idea why God brought me to India. I wanted to go back home. I asked God so many questions that month, said so many prayers starting with "it's not fair"....

"It's not fair that I can't go anywhere without a man undressing me with his eyes" 

"It's not fair that women are so disrespected here" 

"It's not fair that there is so much poverty, sickness, abuse and rape here and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it" 

"It's not fair that I can't go anywhere by myself" 

"It's not fair that I have to do everything I do with a man making sure I am safe" 

"It's not fair that I am sick in a country that I am not even sure why God brought me here why did I come what is the point there has got to be a reason why You put me here in the middle of nowhere"

"It's not fair that I am only one person, what good can I even do here"

Heck, when you are sick, all you want is to be home, hugging your mom, eating cheese (cheese doesn't exist here) and watching Netflix (Netflix doesn't exist here...ya missionary girl has been torrenting all of her movies for the kids, like a modern-day Robin Hood, obviously). Granted, I had anger towards God's plan. I was selfish. I was in pain... but I was selfish. Selfish, angry, confused.

This taught me many things that I would not have learned if I had not gotten sick. This taught me many things that I would not have learned if I hadn't seen the state of the surrounding village hospitals.

Here are some things I learned.

1. The hospitals and doctors offices in this district are just.... less than great. 

The hospitals and doctors offices are terrifying. They are unsanitary. They are unfocused. The doctors may not even be present because they are taking a 3-hour nap. I am fairly certain that Harvard Degree on the wall is not real. They administer "injections" for everyone who walks in. Literally...for EVERYTHING. Have a cut? Injection. Have a bruise? Injection. You've been pooping for four days straight and can't stop? Injection. (that final one will happen to you if you live in India. it's gonna happen, it usually stops after about three months of living here when you body gets used to the food. Granted, it'll take about 3 months until you are finally solid. You have been warned.) have a cold? Injection. Have a headache? Injection. It's terrifying and unnecessary. Aside from this district's strange affection for needles and naps, I hate how, if you are white, you get top priority. There's a foreigner here? Let's gawk at them and ignore the other patient who clearly  has not had anesthesia properly administered. There was one point where I was playing outside with my kids and an ambulance was either on their way to pick up a person in physical danger or on already carrying a person in physical danger, when, upon seeing me, a white person, they stopped the ambulance, turned off the siren and flashing lights and took pictures of me instead of taking care of the person in danger. 

It's just terrifying.

2. I found that I had a lot of basic nursing skills.

I realized how many basic nursing skills I had. There was one point that I realized this before, when I visited Kenya, Africa. I had brought just about every single available type of over-the-counter medication, just in case if anyone one my short-term team was sick or injured. By the end of the trip, the majority of my team would say, "Brooke has meds for that" for just about everything. Now, after being in India for almost half a year, I have taught the kids how to take care of an outbreak of conjunctivitis ("pink eye"/the inflammation of the conjunctiva), told one of the staff to visit the doctor for blood sugar problems just by looking at her feet (she went to the doctor and she did, in fact, have blood sugar and blood pressure problems), helped a short term team when one of their teammates passed out and told them why she passed out (she needed glucose, she had skipped breakfast that day), taken care of burns, spider bites, deep wounds and even acne...  I realized I was pretty decent at basic nursing skills. It has gotten to the point that the kids will knock on my door whenever a minor problem comes across. However....after bandaging 5 of my boys this morning, I think we need to have a sit down and have a talk about how we should not run through needle-shaped plants. 

3. I am only one person. I can't change the world and I can't expect myself to. 

I wrote about this before, but, God made it very clear when He told me this:

"Stop looking at the world and saying, "how can I make the world a better place?" Instead, look at the people around you and see their great need for Me."

The reason I exist and the reason I am in India or around the world is because I exist to make His name great. His name needs to be made great...Not the name of Brooke, not the name of Christianity, not in the name of good deeds or "good for the sake of being good", not in the name of "changing the world." 1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." I am to glorify Him and Him alone. I can't do anything without Him, so I shouldn't even try to!

Okay, I think we have reached the end of this post. It's taken me a very long time to publish any of this, I have taken five hours out of my day to write blog posts and I reaaaaaaaally hope you guys like this. I'm gonna go eat some masala puffed rice. So, yeah. I hope you liked this blog post. Byeee.