The Beauty in Being Alone

The Beauty in Being Alone


“Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness you will know what His will is.” – Amy Carmichael, missionary to India


This blog post has been on my mind for weeks, but I kept pushing it from my mind due to the cheesiest title of all time (see cheesy title) and how dumb I feel this post is...eh, I tried.... I have no idea how to start it and I am referencing my three journals (yes, three. That's how disorganized my mind is—I need three!!) for this one post. Well, here goes.


I always look forward to the three-hour drive to my little sister's college when I go to visit. Three hours, alone, away from everyone, on a completely street-lamp-less, heavily wooded road to Virginia. My incredibly un-ladylike, guitar-calloused, ink splattered left hand out the window and my nubby nailed drawing hand on the steering wheel. Rain, my favorite weather, will occasionally fall through the open windows, blurring the ink on my hands from the last scribblings and doodles in whatever journal I was using that day. For three hours, alone, me & God, on a road trip. And then....yes!!...Three hours alone with God on the way back home! We talk and talk. About everything. I cry awkwardly, He holds me. I laugh, He smiles at my horribly loud laugh that has been described to me as sounding like “a zebra screaming” (I like this description. Zebras are rad).


The wind through my windows feel like hugs from above. Heaven knows I need hugs right now.

Things have not been good. I wish I could say everything was fine and that, while in preparation for living in India for 2 months, everything has been peachy and filled with me becoming a shining beacon of greek-text knowing spiritual knowledge. I've grown, but growing pains hurt. And I have been under spiritual warfare ever since signing up for the trip.


This year, I broke up a three-year long relationship (due to completely godly reasons. Believe me when I say it was not meant to be. I wish him the best, but we were not meant to be), a close family friend died, two people incredibly close to me attempted suicide and I quit my self-harm problem (which is good, but painful to heal from). I have been surrounded by such a spirit of death, defeat and I realize I cannot truly see myself as beautiful and full of worth by myself. I must find my worth, my life, my light in Him. I can't go this alone.


All year, God has been stripping me down of everything...
No meat (going vegetarian/fasting meat before India), no makeup (fasting makeup before India), no romantic relationships and He has helped me through the painful process of removing material things from my life—The main “things” I have are my favorite coffee mug, my books/journals, my clothes, my bed and my car. That's about it, despite how my room looks (Clothes. Clothes everywhere.) He's taken me to a completely minimalist mindset physically, spiritually and even emotionally, to the point where I must rely on Him fully for the control of my emotions this year (but isn't that the way it is supposed to be?). Oh, wait—let me top that...my phone “randomly” malfunctioned so that I can only keep three apps on it at one time. So little distractions! (But Twitter still exists, so....yeeeeah...)


He has taken away everything and replaced it with what is better—New friendships, a beautiful Bible Study that is the highlight of my week and growing me, and, my favorite, loitering in a cafe (those who know me well know which one...goodness, everyone who works there knows who I am. That can be either really great or really weird. I'm thinking great) for at least four hours at a time—Drawing, writing, reading His word, reading poetry, praying, meditating, fueling my coffee addiction.


He has taken everything and replaced it with a divine loneliness: Time alone with Him. Just time alone with Him and no one else.


Granted, I am not alone all of the time, of course. But I have had so little distractions and “things” in my way from time loving Him, praising Him, singing awkwardly loud to John Mark McMillan in the car...yeah.


And here's the thing, it's not a challenge at all. In that quietness (or loudness, depending on how loud I start crying over....whatever. Hey, I'm a girl...), that is where I feel peace despite the craziness that has happened this year. In that stillness, that's where He is closest.


I don't know how to totally end this post, I know I am not getting it graded or anything, but I still want it to be perfect and totally word what has been on my heart...


So I'll end with a “challenge”.


Spend more time alone. No, not just morning Bible time. Go loiter in a cafe. Go park your car outside and yell towards the stars in praise to God. Go into your backyard and sit still. Go to your church and loiter there, talking to God about whatever! Just go be alone. And be alone for hours. Yes, longer than one hour. In His presence there is peace beyond what the world could ever offer....His peace is better than coffee. For. Reals.
Just go hang out with Him.




Yeah, I think that's the end of this blog post I have put off for weeks.
So yeah.