The Beauty in Being Alone
“Blessed
are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you
refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God,
nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and
peace. In that stillness you will know what His will is.” – Amy
Carmichael, missionary to India
This
blog post has been on my mind for weeks, but I kept pushing it
from my mind due to the cheesiest title of all time (see cheesy
title) and how dumb I feel this post is...eh, I tried.... I have no
idea how to start it and I am referencing my three journals (yes,
three. That's how disorganized my mind is—I need
three!!) for this one post. Well, here goes.
I always look forward to the
three-hour drive to my little sister's college when I go to visit.
Three hours, alone, away from everyone, on a completely
street-lamp-less, heavily wooded road to Virginia. My incredibly
un-ladylike, guitar-calloused, ink splattered left hand out the
window and my nubby nailed drawing hand on the steering wheel. Rain,
my favorite weather, will occasionally fall through the open windows,
blurring the ink on my hands from the last scribblings and doodles in
whatever journal I was using that day. For three hours, alone, me &
God, on a road trip. And then....yes!!...Three hours alone with God
on the way back home! We talk and talk. About everything. I cry
awkwardly, He holds me. I laugh, He smiles at my horribly loud laugh
that has been described to me as sounding like “a zebra screaming”
(I like this description. Zebras are rad).
The wind through my windows feel
like hugs from above. Heaven knows I need hugs right now.
Things have not been good. I
wish I could say everything was fine and that, while in preparation
for living in India for 2 months, everything has been peachy and
filled with me becoming a shining beacon of greek-text knowing
spiritual knowledge. I've grown, but growing pains hurt. And I have
been under spiritual warfare ever since signing up for the trip.
This year, I broke up a
three-year long relationship (due to completely godly reasons.
Believe me when I say it was not meant to be. I wish him the best,
but we were not meant to be), a close family friend died, two people
incredibly close to me attempted suicide and I quit my self-harm problem
(which is good, but painful to heal from). I have been surrounded by such a spirit of death, defeat
and I realize I cannot truly see myself as beautiful and full of
worth by myself. I must find my worth, my life, my light in Him. I
can't go this alone.
All year, God has been stripping
me down of everything...
No meat (going vegetarian/fasting meat before India), no makeup (fasting makeup before India), no romantic
relationships and He has helped me through the painful process of
removing material things from my life—The main “things” I have
are my favorite coffee mug, my books/journals, my clothes, my bed and
my car. That's about it, despite how my room looks (Clothes. Clothes
everywhere.) He's taken me to a completely minimalist mindset
physically, spiritually and even emotionally, to the point where I
must rely on Him fully for the control of my emotions this year (but
isn't that the way it is supposed to be?). Oh, wait—let me top
that...my phone “randomly” malfunctioned so that I can only keep
three apps on it at one time. So little distractions! (But Twitter
still exists, so....yeeeeah...)
He has taken away everything and
replaced it with what is better—New friendships, a beautiful Bible
Study that is the highlight of my week and growing me, and, my
favorite, loitering in a cafe (those who know me well know which
one...goodness, everyone who works there knows who I am. That can be
either really great or really weird. I'm thinking great) for at least
four hours at a time—Drawing, writing, reading His word, reading
poetry, praying, meditating, fueling my coffee addiction.
He has taken everything and
replaced it with a divine loneliness: Time alone with Him. Just time
alone with Him and no one else.
Granted, I am not alone all of
the time, of course. But I have had so little distractions and
“things” in my way from time loving Him, praising Him, singing
awkwardly loud to John Mark McMillan in the car...yeah.
And here's the thing, it's not a
challenge at all. In that quietness (or loudness, depending on how
loud I start crying over....whatever. Hey, I'm a girl...), that is
where I feel peace despite the craziness that has happened this year.
In that stillness, that's where He is closest.
I don't know how to totally end
this post, I know I am not getting it graded or anything, but I still
want it to be perfect and totally word what has been on my heart...
So I'll end with a “challenge”.
Spend more time alone. No, not
just morning Bible time. Go loiter in a cafe. Go park your car
outside and yell towards the stars in praise to God. Go into your
backyard and sit still. Go to your church and loiter there, talking
to God about whatever! Just go be alone. And be alone for hours. Yes,
longer than one hour. In His presence there is peace beyond what the
world could ever offer....His peace is better than coffee. For.
Reals.
Just go hang out with Him.
Yeah, I think that's the end of
this blog post I have put off for weeks.
So yeah.
